Dorkgasm

Yes, this is political, and has nothing to do with writing or entertainment, unless you've been watching the improv comedy extravaganza we call "The Republican Debates".  So, without further adieu, and accompanied by some works by one of my favorite painters (Francisco Goya), I bring you my list. Remember, I'm not ranting, I'm being educational!

1. Corporations are NOT people, and no logic game you play will convince a sane person that ANY non-sentient entity is a person.

2. Call it pro-life if you want, but it's anti-women's rights. It'd be one thing if you guys wanted to just chase after abortion, but going after stem cell research, contraceptives, and rape victims shows that what you really want is to micromanage the lives of everyone else around you.

3. Marriage is a function of the state, not the church. I'm glad that your church has a ritual to go along with the state's recognition of two adults who have chosen to share their lives, but it does NOT mean that you are the only one's entitled to enjoy the privileges of marriage. It's a legal status, regardless of religious covenant, proven by hundreds of years of atheists, agnostics, and other non-christians doing it.

4. Back off the hate against homosexuals. This goes back to number three, in part, in that no one gives a shit about what you do in your bedroom or if you prefer blondes to brunettes. Stop trying to regulate morality between consenting adults.

5. Speaking of morality, quit trying to convince us all that we can all be better off if we just would get rid of all the pornography. Ever heard of the Venus of Willendorf? It's a statue, thousands of years old, of a naked woman with gigantic breasts and good breeding hips, and you can't make out her face. Some cave man probably jerked on off to it. Guess what? We still invented the light bulb, French New Wave Cinema, and the iPad.

6. Gridlock isn't the answer. I get it: politics is like football to you. You think there needs to be a clear winner and loser, and you hate when ANYTHING ends in a tie. Political compromise, thus, is your bitter enemy, but guess what? America was BUILT on political compromise. I won't get everything I want and you won't get everything you want, but in the middle there will be sanity. If you refuse to compromise, you aren't just part of what's wrong with our country, you ARE what's wrong with our country.

7. Science is NOT your enemy. Maybe you don't understand it, but science doesn't care. Stop trotting out the same bullshit after it's been proven wrong. Leave the conspiracy theories to the Elvis hunters and JFK spotters, okay? Climate change is real. Evolution is real. Magnets, believe it or not, are real. If science is so scary that you really can't deal with it. We have plenty of forest and farm land you can go live on and stop fucking it up for the rest of us. Of course, that means you'll have to give up your internet porn. Sorry.

8. Back off teachers, unions, welfare recipients, and any other scapegoats you've come up with. This includes immigrants, homosexuals, atheists, and muslims as well. Until you can start taking responsibility for your own fuck ups, don't try pointing fingers at everyone else. By trying to blame one of the above-mentioned groups for failing marriages, economies, or morals, you do us all a disservice because we first need to debunk your crazy bullshit before we can address the real problems like drug abuse and tax evasion.

9. Speaking of taxes, quit brainwashing people into thinking that taxes are the enemy. NOT paying taxes means giving up things like paved roads, fire departments, and basic health standards. Do you really want that? If not, then shut up and pay your taxes. When you wind up on Social Security and need to be rushed to the hospital for your heart attack, you'll be glad for all that "socialist spending".

10. Take the blinders off. No one who is that extreme can truly maintain those stances without being either crazy or a hypocrite. Ted Haggard is a hypocrite, so was Gaddafi. I'm pretty sure no one wants to be in their company, so, again, take the damn blinders off and I'll gladly meet you in the middle.