Dorkgasm - My Two Cents http://www.dorkgasm.com/taxonomy/term/44/0 en Why We All Need Kevin Smith's "Red State" To Do Well | My Two Cents http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/1216 <p>Let's face it folks, times are tough for everyone. I know this all too well, and if you've been following Dorkgasm over the years, you know we've had our ups and downs. This last year has been a down. I finished college and found a job market that was in the shitter. In times like this, a lot of folks get scared. Hell, I'm scared. My phone just got shut off, and rent is due in a few weeks. This site has fallen into disrepair because I just haven't had time for it. I started going to school for my Masters because, as much as I love it, being a freelance writer isn't paying the bills. Student loans help fill the gap for me and my family of five. Other people, also scared in these hard times, turn to things that scare me more. They hate. They blame. They start seeing enemies that aren't really there.<br /> <br><center><img src="http://dorkgasm.com/files/images/red_state.jpg"></center><br><!--break--><br /> And then Kevin Smith comes along with Red State. At first I thought he was making another comedy. Shit, all of his movies have been comedies, so that assumption made sense. Then I saw the first trailer, and I was blown away. Now, don't get me wrong. Red State doesn't look like the next Citizen Kane or anything, but it is good to see a departure from Kevin Smith because it means that in tough times he did what most don't: he changed. He could have easily made a cheap dick-and-fart joke comedy about rednecks and called it Red State, but instead he made a horror movie. When people are freaking out about jobs, immigrants, terrorists and all sorts of shit, Kevin Smith made a bonafied horror film about the things that SHOULD scare us the most, but we choose to ignore. </p> <p>Back in my undergrad studies, we talked about this thing called "Unheimlich". Without going all academic on you, the gist is that we instinctively fear that which seems different from us. Unfortunately that also means we don't fear the really dangerous shit that seems familiar. That's what Smith's film is about though. Scary motherfuckers that look just like you, me and grandpa who take all their misguided, poisonous beliefs and throw them at unsuspecting victims. Look at the trailer for Red State: <br></p> <p><center></p> <object width="450" height="314"><param name="movie" value="http://www.traileraddict.com/emd/32291"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.traileraddict.com/emd/32291" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always" width="450" height="314"></embed></object><p></center><br></p> <p>See, just like us, but not. We NEED this film right now I think. We need a movie that puts us all in our place and reminds us of what MIGHT happen. The best horror and sci-fi movies have always done this anyway, and Smith, well, he's a dork just like us, so he knows that. Think about Planet of the Apes. That movie ends on the shittiest of down notes. Heston rides off into the sunset, but the camera stays with the hero, and we discover that this nightmare we just watched him live through is all our fault. Pretty deep stuff for a film about talking monkeys. The thing is, the "message" of Red State isn't the only reason we need this film right now. We need it because Kevin Smith is one of our fallen heroes, and our generation needs a fucking phoenix. </p> <p>Yeah, I said fallen. Sure, Cop Out and Zack and Miri made their money back, but they were barely there. These films didn't make an impact like they should have. Before that, Smith, bless his heart, pandered to us shitheel fanboys with Clerks 2 and Jay &amp; Silent Bob Strike Back, even though he proverbially closed the book on the View-Askewaverse. This was the guy who came from humble fucking beginnings and gave us Clerks and Chasing Amy for fuck sake, and we looked up to him because he made it. <b>I</b> looked up to him because he was a fellow fat comic nerd who loved movies and he fucking made it. But then he fell. Not that he's been hurting, mind you. I'm sure he hasn't worried about his phone getting shut off like mine just did, but he hasn't been invited to all the big shows, has he? This guy didn't get into filmmaking just to be the dick-and-fart joke king, he wanted to make important films as well. The evidence of that is all over his work if you know what you're looking for. And now, here he is, reinventing himself, and I say HELL YES!</p> <p>See, if Kevin Smith can do it AGAIN, then it isn't over for our generation of ne'er-do-wells. It isn't over for me. If Red State can make an impact on us, then he still has it. Go back and watch that trailer again. That's a film put together with some god damned conviction if I ever saw one. It isn't just some slick blood-and-gore fest being foisted on us by a marketing machine, it's a work of passion, and I think that will show. I WANT it to show. I want to believe again that the end is NOT fucking nigh, and that the real boogeymen can be just the evil weirdos on a silver screen. Get up, go out, and see this when it comes out. Do it for Kevin Smith, he needs a real win. Do it for yourselves, because we all need a win to, don't we?</p> http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/1216#comments My Two Cents Wed, 19 Jan 2011 04:03:28 +0000 MRiedlinger 1216 at http://www.dorkgasm.com Adidas Star Wars Commercial | My Two Cents http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/1197 <p><center><b>Far, Far Away<br /> By<br /> Michael C. Riedlinger<br /> Editor-In-Chief</center></b></p> <p>Anyone who has met and spoke with me for any length of time has typically been treated to two of my favorite subjects: Star Wars and Soccer. Hell, I even confuse people here in the States by calling it football. If the subjects don’t come up somehow, then usually tattoos have in some way, and I’ve got one for each, on each shoulder. On the left is a Mandalorian emblem, and on the right is the crest for Manchester United. These facts are well known to my friends, so last week they all started sending me the same video, over and over. Even my ex-wife sent it to me in a rare show of “no one loves soccer and Star Wars more than this guy”. So then, why don’t I love the new Addidas World Cup commercial featuring Chalmun’s Cantina in Mos Eisley from Star Wars?<br /> <br><center><img src="http://dorkgasm.com/files/images/rooneyfett.jpg"><br><i><font size="1">Pretty much the coolest idea ever</font></i></center><br><!--break--><br /> First off, the sport doesn’t really feature in the commercial at all. Sure, it’s about how everyone comes together for Earth’s greatest sport, but only because they tell us so. David Beckham features prominently in it, but he’s playing Brit ex-pat hanging in a strange world, which he’s done quite well while being useless in Los Angeles. Then there’s the duo from Daft Punk. I love Daft Punk, but they don’t scream “FOOTBALL” to me. Nor, for that matter, does a light saber wielding Snoop Dogg. All of these disparate elements come together like this:<br /> <br><center></p> <object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/3Zd_khk6zXo&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/3Zd_khk6zXo&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object><p></center><br><br /> Funny, I admit, but not something that has ANYTHING to do with soccer, let’s be honest. The second major issue I have is that the folks at Adidas seem to have given up on capitalizing on American passions for the world’s favorite sport and have decided to use the same tactics Hollywood has used to sell us loads of crap.<br /> <br><center><img src="http://dorkgasm.com/files/images/michael-bay-banner-full.preview.jpg"><br><i><font size="1">Who loves 'splosions? This guy loves 'splosions!</font></i></center></p> <p><br><br><br /> <p align="left">1 | <a href="http://dorkgasm.com/node/1196">2</a> </p> <p align="right"> <a href="http://dorkgasm.com/node/1196">Next</a></p> http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/1197#comments My Two Cents Mon, 07 Jun 2010 19:30:06 +0000 MRiedlinger 1197 at http://www.dorkgasm.com Adidas Star Wars Commercial | My Two Cents 2 http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/1196 <p>We tune in only because we know the characters, forgiving massive plot holes and shoddy acting in favor of familiarity, and we do it to the tune of billions (with a “B”) every summer. For the company shoving a crappy ball down the collective throats of the world’s best players, maybe it makes sense to emulate a model that has sold us sparkly vampires and nameless Decepticon fodder.<br /> <br><center><img src="http://dorkgasm.com/files/images/starwarsballbecks.jpg"><br><i><font size="1">This is the only ball you're looking for...</font></i></center><br><br /> See, the decision <i>does</i> make sense if you’re paying attention. Adidas catches a bunch of flack for attempting to make a better ball because, you know, “round” doesn’t translate to higher sales apparently. We see Snoop slicing Ponda Baba, Greedo getting shot by the geek from Tropic Thunder, and Franz Beckenbauer hanging out for no reason. The only ball in the whole damn thing is in that poster next to Beckham. Hell, most Americans probably don’t know that they’re playing in the tournament anyway, right? Except that the other videos out there prove otherwise.<br /> <br><center></p> <object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/idLG6jh23yE&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/idLG6jh23yE&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object><p></center><br><br /> At first glance, that looks like a commercial with an awful lot of foreign stars in it. Americans <i>might</i> know Ronaldo, Drogba, and Rooney, but look at the video again for a second.<br /> <br><center><img src="http://dorkgasm.com/files/images/usamntnike1.jpg"><br><i><font size="1">If they would only grow Forest Gump beards, they'd be UNSTOPPABLE!</font></i></center><br><br /> Holy crap! That’s the US Men’s National Team! Not just Landon Donovan in some fantasy sequence, but a bunch of our players, grinning themselves stupid over fantasy-Rooney screwing his team! That’s a lot of exclamation points over a bunch of guys Adidas probably figured we don’t know. Besides, it isn’t like that makes soccer very mainstream. Maybe the real reason Nike, a huge American company, relegated the USMNT to a cameo is because we’ll never call it football, and it will always be an underground sport here that only foreigners care about. But then there’s this:<br /> <br><center></p> <object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/YI4sDx6SGwA&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/YI4sDx6SGwA&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object><p></center><br><br /> Yes, that’s American rapper Akon singing about Africa and the World Cup. It’s the theme of this year’s tournament, and you can’t really count Akon as “underground” or “foreign”. The song is catchy, and he even calls it “football”! It’s like he channeled the epicness of the FIFA World Cup and <i>The Lion King</i> all at once and made a song that was accessible to any American. Of course, these two videos came out before the Adidas vid, but I’m sure with all the stars and CGI, the Star Wars video took a hell of a lot longer to make. How was Adidas to know that Americans might care more about the World Cup than buying Star Wars-branded shoes?<br /> <br><center><img src="http://dorkgasm.com/files/images/adidas-tiefighter1.jpg"><br><i><font size="1">Sure to start a trend of inner-city dorks beating each other up for their shoes</font></i></center><br></p> <p><br><br><br /> <p align="left"><a href="http://dorkgasm.com/node/1197">1</a> | 2 </p> <p align="right"><a href="http://dorkgasm.com/node/1197">Prev</a> </p> http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/1196#comments My Two Cents Mon, 07 Jun 2010 19:29:56 +0000 MRiedlinger 1196 at http://www.dorkgasm.com Fuck You, Alan Tudyk | My Two Cents http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/1188 <p><center><b>Fuck you, Alan Tudyk<br /> By<br /> Michael C. Riedlinger<br /> Editor-in-Chief</b></center></p> <p> <i><a href="http://dorkgasm.com/node/937">Transformers 2</a></i> was the biggest piece of soulless cinematic crap this side of the centennial divide. The film was poorly written, poorly directed, and all too often “we’ll fix it in post” was used as an excuse for making a film in the same way Ed Wood used to make his “masterpieces”. Now comes word that genre favorite, Alan Tudyk, famed for dying on screen far too often, has signed on for <i>Transformers 3</i>. I guess he looked at it as a way to finally kill his last shred of dignity on film too.<br><!--break--><br /> Look, Alan is making the right decision for his career. Even with the second film being a steaming pile, it MADE a steaming pile of cash. Audiences were roped in by the familiarity of the characters and forgot to give a crap that the story had plot holes a mile wide or that they were cheated on the visuals. So what if Prime’s resurrection scene was mostly a close-up shot of a flag waving in the desert wind, they got to see him get up and kick ass. For most of us, it was one of those films we used to imagine as a kid when we played with our toys and beat up younger siblings for running off with Prime’s trailer right before we used it. Our versions of Prime coming back to life (especially after <i>Transformers: The Movie</i> came out) were mostly stuck in our brains too, so we didn’t give a crap about being cheated by Michael Bay. Instead we saw the film twice, because 2009 was one of the shittiest years ever for movies. <br><br /> <br><center><img src="http://dorkgasm.com/files/images/Serenity-Sell-Out.jpg" border="0" height="600" width="400"><br><i><font size="1">Now replace the words of the Winnie the Pooh song with "Shia LeBouf"... <br>You can hate me later for it</font></i></center><br><br /> That’s exactly what Alan Tudyk is giving a crap about right now. He knows he’s died a thousand times, and that he isn’t likely to break out of his place in Hollywood. They’ll always need that likeable character actor that everyone recognizes as the likeable sidekick because it makes audiences gasp in surprise when he is killed off… again. If I were Alan, I’d probably take the money and run too, but all too often, we idealize these actors based on the characters they’ve played. Alan Tudyk is no different than any of us. He wants to pay his bills and buy cool shit, and in order to do that, he can’t scoff at Bay’s money just because we think it’s beneath him or that the film he’s making will likely be on par with <i>Robot Jox</i>, but with recognizable iconography. <br><br /> Still, I’ve judged him. I’m bummed that Tudyk has signed on and drank the Michael Bay Kool-Aid. But that drink is green and more intoxicating than my petty flights of fancy about artistic integrity. The fact is, Alan has very little to worry about except maybe paying higher taxes. After all, look at Forest Whitaker. He played a role in <i>Battlefield Earth</i> on of the worst films, sci-fi or otherwise, to be released to the public. That was in 2000, and six years later he won Best Actor for his role in <i>Last King of Scotland</i>. Integrity be damned, the man was able to collect a paycheck and still pull off an amazing performance in a dramatic role later on. Hell, Forest is even in the new remake of Oliver Hirschbiegel’s 2001 classic, <i>Das Experiment</i>… Wait. What? Oh man, fuck you too Forest Whitaker!</p> http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/1188#comments My Two Cents Sat, 15 May 2010 22:52:34 +0000 MRiedlinger 1188 at http://www.dorkgasm.com Oscar Outrage!!: The Aftermath http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/820 <i><b>Please Note: This is only the opinion of a lone nut living in the Wisconsin wilds. They in no way reflect the thinking of the Dorkgasm staff, editors, contributors, sponsors, or anyone else, humanity-wide. I am my own person, and as such am a big boy. I tell it how I see it, and I would expect your wussies to do the same. Beware the strong, fucking language</i></b> So, here we go. Another Oscar night in the can, and nothing to show for it. Oh, sure. Heath Ledger got a posthumous Oscar for playing a comic book villian, but anyone who thinks the performance had anything to do with it is either sadly mistaken or stoned out of their fucking gourd.<!--break--> That's a good place to start. In a Best Supporting Actor race consisting of critical darlings like Phillip Seymour Hoffman and mainstream, college frat drunk favorites like Robert Downy, Jr., how on Earth do you expect Heath Ledger to win? The truth is unfortunately simple. He died and sealed the vote. Now, I am just grasping at straws, but don't you think that Academy voters felt just a little bit guilty of not giving him his due props for Ennis Del Mar in <i>Brokeback Mountain</i>? I would think so, and let's face it, you probably do to. Heath Ledger was an exceptional actor, and I openly weep at what could have been. The sky was the limit for him, and now he's gone. That does not mean you have to give him an Oscar, you pricks! Granted, I liked his performance the best out of all of them, but I write for a Dork Culture website! Of course I like The Joker more than that dude that shot Harvey Milk! The fact is that someone else could have done The Joker and it could have been just as good, if not better. I'm not an actor, though. PSH was awesome in <i>Doubt</i>, and Downey was hilarious in <i>Tropic Thunder</i>, but I would have given it to Josh Brolin. The man is awesome in <i>Milk</i>. Don't believe me? Check it out. My next big problem is with <i>Slumdog Millionaire</i>. Did I like it? Sure. "Feel-good movie of the decade"? No, not really. Best Fucking Picture? Cheesus Crust, no!!!! Why did this win? I have a theory, and it runs much the same as the last entry. It got a sympathy vote. Remember months ago when they had those terrorist attacks in India? All I heard was "Attack in Mumbai which was the setting for <i>Slumdog Millionaire</i>. It was shot there, too." Now, it wins Best Picture in a year that had <i>Milk</i> and <i>The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button</i>? Is everyone in the Academy high? FIrst of all, the fact that <i>The Dark Knight</i> didn't even get nominated for Best Pic still pisses me off, but I chock that up to Academy voters not being comfortable with a Batman who sounded like he just walked into the kitchen on <i>To Catch A Predator</i>. What are you doing here, indeed. Shit, <i>Frost/Nixon</i> was one of the most amazing and riveting movies I have seen in a long time. It even made me forget that Ron Howard directed <i>The DaVinci Code</i>, and that's tough going. No, everything else that was better got edged out for a sympathy vote. Bah. Also, no kudos for giving Danny Boyle the Oscar for this and not <i>Sunshine</i> or <i>Trainspotting</i>. Hell even <i>Millions</i> was better than this, and they were almost the same movie! I think the Academy, in all of their intelligence, voted for Boyle because they know deep in their hearts that this may be the last time they see him. Come on, Danny. You got your Oscar. Now give me <i>Trainspotting 2</i> or <i>28 Months Later</i>. Please. You owe me for sitting through this. One last note. Penelope Cruz for <i>Vicky Christina Barcelona</i>? Are? You? HIGH?!?!? Come on!! Viola Davis, Amy Adams, Marisa Tomei, and the real winner in my eyes Taraji P. Henson. And you give it to HER? Damn, I need to be in a subpar movie from an actor/director who should have hung up his jodhpurs long ago. Maybe I can get an Oscar I don't deserve! Give her an Oscar for the good work she did. What about <i>Volver</i>? Where were you on that one, Academy? That movie was fresh, funny, and touching, all in one. <i>VCB</i> was lame before it even got out of the gate. Why the horse racing lingo this time? Who knows? Let's keep hoofing it. Woody Allen hasn't made a good movie since <i>Melinda and Melinda</i>, and before that was <i>Celebrity</i>. Past your damn prime! And quit parading Scarlett Johansson around your movies like she can act. You know damn well she can't. You like her tits. Hell, I like her tits too, but I'm not putting her in a movie. You shouldn't either. Well, that's about it for me. I fully expect gobs of hate mail for this one, so please do so to <a href="Mailto:anonymous.jones@dorkgasm.com">anonymous.jones@dorkgasm.com</a> or leave vitriol below in the Comments. I will read and comment on them as time permits. Thank you, and have a cheerful motherfucking day. http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/820#comments My Two Cents Mon, 23 Feb 2009 11:27:12 +0000 AnonymousJones 820 at http://www.dorkgasm.com Dear Michael Bay http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/797 <p>Dear Mr. Bay</p> <p> I would like to ask you to please handle your mining of my childhood with a little more tact in the future. The 1980's were good times for me, and I'd really prefer if you handle the Transformers, Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the 13th, with a little more finesse than your average carjacker.<br /> It's really not too complicated, and I'm not asking much, I'd just prefer not see Jason Vorhees jumping over an exploding computer generated shark on a motorcycle, or Freddy Krueger chugging Mountain Dew and shuffling his Ipod while back flipping a Lamborghini over a Best Buy that's burning to the ground from a bunch of Xbox 360's overheating and causing a raging inferno inside.<br /> Its not a list of demands, but a cordial request that you should take to heart. Please? These characters are legends, and have earned a legitimate place in the hearts of myself and so many more that have come of age during the past 20 some odd years. If you do however feel the need to pull a Lucas/Spielberg Eiffel tower style rape of any more 80's icons, they're may be consequences. I have it on good authority that Martin Lawrence and Eddie Murphy are so broke and desperate they would gladly do anything for a nickel, and I'm not above paying a man or two to wear a ridiculous fat suit and lady's clothing to drop by your house and shoot you in the dickpiece.</p> <p>Respectfully yours</p> <p>J. Sternberg</p> <p>Dorkgasm Contributing Writer.</p> <p>PS: If you remake the Goonies and have Chunk on Adkins, or turn One-Eyed Willy into a snarky robot with Diabetes, I'll personally mail you my next bowel movement.</p> <p>(please note the opinions above are the opinions of Jay Sternberg and are not intended in any way shape or form to represent the opinions of Dorkgasm LLC, its staff, or management......but they should)</p> http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/797#comments My Two Cents Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:23:07 +0000 jsaystoyou 797 at http://www.dorkgasm.com Dorkgasm Vs. The World, The Legend of Curly's Gold http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/723 <p>On my morning commute a few weeks ago, back before the seas ran retarded with people flocking to see the Dark Knight, I was listening to the radio. Call me old fashioned, but when driving the wide open pitch black roads of Southern Wisconsin before the sun has said hello, I venture on the safe side and allow for the possibility messages from the emergency broadcast system, rather than MP3's or CDs. Yes this may be why I suffer from chronic nosebleeds and an affinity for self destructive behavior, but I suffer through all manners of audio garbage to avoid road closures and things of the ilk.<br /> On that faithful morning I heard an "entertainment report" from a character and station I won't name, needless to say whatever God is out there will smite them eventually for being so unbelievably lame, where the guest, a prominent expert on all things "cool" in the entertainment business from the UK proudly predicted "Mamma Mia! will be a bigger box office hit than the Dark Knight.<br /> Ya get that? Mamma Mia!, will make more money in ticket sales alone, than the Dark Knight.<br /> I showered my dashboard with my morning energy drink and contemplated whether or not I had somehow died in my sleep and awoken in hell, but thats nothing new, and listened to every last reason this lunatic could come up with. I listened "with intensity" (Lost in Translation reference....no, well alright)<br /> He stated that due to the huge success of Musicals lately (like Disney's cable only High School Musical 2) it was a no brainer. He said that while the Dark Knight would "clean up" with the male audience, it would leave nothing for the kids, or for the women in the audience. When asked exactly what the ABBA musical could bring to the table for those red blooded males who aren't typical into prancing and singing, he responded "well, she looks great in a bikini" referring to some young starlet in the cast, and I thought well shucks, that does sound neat! If I was ten, and this was the 1950's, and I hadn't seen scantily clad women every day of my life since my balls dropped.<br /> My point is, this guy was out of his gourd. The problem, this guy is one of those people who's business is telling the rest of us, what is and is not cool, and is directly responsible in some fashion as it pertains to the entertainment scene in general. While he was definitely wrong, with the Dark Knight quickly racing towards becoming the most successful film of all time and Momma Mia! posting respectable but not mind blowing box office totals. (As of last update DK has grossed almost $400 million, and MM! has come close to $90 million)<br /> My other point, is that Dorkgasm (self high five!) a better place to get your information and opinions on all things entertaining because it comes from everyday blockheads just like you. When we write a review, for anything we do so without being paid for our opinions by its corporation of release, and we review based on the individual property. We know that The Mummy isn't Citizen Kane, and we don't expect it to be that. We're not going to tell you that "this is the greatest movie ever made" because we want our quote on the back of the DVD when the film gets nominated for an Oscar, and we don't shy away from calling pretentious Oscar whoring crap as it is.<br /> Furthermore, if you think we're out of our gourds, you can say so. How many times has Roger Ebert opened up a forum and said, go ahead, challenge me? None that I recall, and thats the beauty of what we have here.<br /> In summary, think of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, but instead of having our fingers on the pulse, or shoved far up our asses, the fingers are on the keys and the opinions are honest and authored, as opposed to obnoxious and anonymous. I'm not saying our opinions are the end all be all final and definitive word on any particular film, game, comic, etc but personally, when I'm choosing where or on what to drop my hard earned coin, I'd prefer someone give it to me straight.<br /> I'm J Sternberg, and that's my 2 cents.</p> http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/723#comments My Two Cents Mon, 04 Aug 2008 23:51:05 +0000 jsaystoyou 723 at http://www.dorkgasm.com CSI Miami: Urban Hellraisers | My Two Cents http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/673 <center><b>I Guess They'll Never Get It By J. Sternberg</center></b> <span style="">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>I originally saw the CSI Episode entitled "Urban Hellraisers" months ago, and until it showed up again on my DVR, I had pretty much written it off. All initial outrage fades when exposure is minimized, but it had to show up again, and now I have to get it out.<!--break--> <span style="">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span> The plot revolves around teenagers (high school through college age) mimicking a popular video game Urban Hellraiser and participating in all manners of lawbreaking. The game is modeled to look somewhat like any of the Grand Theft Auto titles, and the kids are basically larping through it. They run around Miami in real life copies of the game's "levels." <span style="">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span> Now, I won't deny its a great episode, much like any other CSI, it will keep you guessing, but the theme and approach to it, really frost my balls. <span style="">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span> Keep in mind that with the popularity of network television, in particular shows like CSI: Miami, and the cross section of viewers vs. gamers vs. viewers/gamers is going to be a little lopsided. To some people, this episode of CSI, combined with all the coverage of Jack Thompson, GTA, and school shootings, will be their only exposure to anything video game related since Pong. <span style="">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span> I don't believe that video games are the devil, that's no secret, you take one step into my apartment and you'll see several consoles, posters, cardboard cut outs and the like strewn about. It's a veritable shrine to the gaming gods. My problem with this episode of CSI is that it was written by someone who's only interaction with video games since Pong has been vilification in the media. <span style="">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>The "game" in the episode is really just an pot luck of extreme exaggerations as to what violent video games are, and with the tact of a cinder block to the skull the writers prove exactly how many games they've played. Buckle up, grab your barf bag, and listen, cause I will not repeat myself, and its possible you'll feel sick. <span style="">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span> In one of the "levels" a character attempts to get "bonus points" for raping a bank teller. When a character passes a level, the game has a voice over that says "Congratulations you've made it to the next level" Ya get that? <span style="">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span> Ahem, video games haven't had levels in years, in particular the crime genre, nobody uses points anymore, and a game has not featured rape as a way to score points since Custer's revenge on the original Atari 2600. Actually part of that statement is false. No American game has featured rape as a way to accomplish something since Custer's Revenge. In Japan, rape games are quite popular, as are tentacle rape based Hentai pornography. I digress. <span style="">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span> The major issue here is that this type of media will only further the cause for people who refuse to take education on issues that they will somehow feel strongly about because in the end they look better for taking a stance than admitting they're utterly clueless. You want more proof of irresponsible media cocking things up? Go to youtube, and search fox news mass effect. <span style="">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>I take issue with this, personally, because as a kid I was almost hospitalized after the beating I received for playing Mortal Kombat 2 on the Super Nintendo. A real beating, after a digital bloodbath, from parents who allowed me to play Doom, all day long. Doom was not in the news for its violent content, so it was fine. All of this because someone who "knew what they were talking about" (the news) told someone who didn't know what they were doing, that something they've never experienced, was very very bad. <span style="">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span> Wrap your head around that for a second. Ignorance is far more dangerous than any video game, movie, or album ever will be. I'm J. Sternberg and that's my two cents http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/673#comments My Two Cents Tue, 17 Jun 2008 00:59:08 +0000 jsaystoyou 673 at http://www.dorkgasm.com Superhero Movie | My Two Cents http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/570 <center><b>A Sad State of Affairs (or the tazers for prosperity project) By J. Sternberg</center></b> <span style="">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span> I'm sure by now we've all seen the trailer. Superhero Movie is coming soon to a theater near you. Also in theaters, is Will Ferrell plays a totally obnoxious jackass with a profession of some kind part 180, the sequel's sequel's sequel's sequel's sequel's sequel's sequel, yadda yadda WHAT THE FUCK???? Super Hero Movie, well lets see, its by the same asshats that have pumped out more of the top grossing box office shit bags in the last few years than Britney Spears has ridden random cock. Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans, Date Movie, Scary Movie 3 and 4, and god only knows what other forms of sheer vomit these fools have foisted upon us. <span style="">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>Every single fucking person I know who's seen these movies claims they've been "dragged" by a "friend"... SHUT UP. <span style="">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>If they were really your friend, they'd do everything in their power to stop you from seeing these "movies" that really are about as entertaining as drinking a stillbirth, broken glass, wheat grass, dog vomit, and semen smoothie, or as I've heard it called in more Trendy hotspots, "The Paris" , not drag you along. Just the facts about Super Hero movie should be enough to make anyone who briefly considers seeing the "film" question exactly what size their school bus was, and why they always thought fucking their ear with a screwdriver to make their head jelly come out felt so good. Its the same spoof humor (or extreme lack there of), from the same idiots, that has been in theaters once every 6 months, for the last 3 years. This time, it appears they've cut out the questionable celebrity and plastic hotness of Carmen Electra (WOW I really didn't think that could HURT A MOVIE!!!), cut 3 months out of the waiting period between releases, and have added Drake Bell, the "star" Teen Nick's Drake and Josh. <span style="">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>Now I do have a toddler in the house, and I've seen more than one episode of Drake and Josh. This kid has less talent as an actor than Ron Jeremy's right testicle. Honestly, this kid has the acting chops of those stupid ballsacks you see hanging from the back of pickup trucks. I've heard people question if these flicks can get any worse, and I'm pretty sure they just did. <span style="">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>So here's my proposal. Go to an army surplus store, find a friend with a Bud K catalog, search the web, whatever. Find a stun gun, doesn't matter what kind, and when some one you know even jokingly suggests you see "Dumbass Movie 411189" (you know they'll be at that sequel count before 2010) shock their ass into oblivion. Once they've stopped convulsing, kick them in their genitals until you're one hundred and thirty percent sure they'll never breed. If they already have, find their mutant offspring, strap them to a chair, and clockwork orange their ass until they know that this shit is unacceptable. If you're one hundred and thirty percent sure your "friend" was joking find a newspaper, roll it up, and whack them on the nose while sternly rebuffing them, a loud and straightforward "NO!" should suffice. <span style="">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>If we follow these simple steps, we may be able to prevent the premature pouring of a forty on the sidewalk for our fallen homeboy, the comedy genre. I miss that fool already. I'm J. Sternberg, and that's my 2 cents http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/570#comments My Two Cents Fri, 07 Mar 2008 05:17:59 +0000 jsaystoyou 570 at http://www.dorkgasm.com Other Site's Game Reviewers and Why They Suck http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/318 <center><b>Other Site's Game Reviewers and Why They Suck By Gerald Robinson</b></center> So here's a quickie I needed to get out of my system after I read it. I was trolling Gamespot.com reading their new reviews when I came across the review for <i>Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles</i> on the Wii. Sweet, right? I want the game and will probably have it in a week or two, so lets see what everyone is saying about it. For those of you outside of the loop, Gamespot likes to list "The Good" and "The Bad" about each game at the beginning of the review. Often times this is good enough to get a feel for everything they're about to say and occasionally the only thing you need to bother looking at.<!--break--> This isn't the first time something like this has cropped up at Gamespot or any other "professional" review site, but now that I have an outlet here at Dorkgasm, you're damn well going to hear about it. So here it is, the reviewer, Ryan Davis has this to say about one of the "Bad" parts of <i>Resident Evil: UC</i>, "On-rails shooter gameplay can still feel restrictive." Really? Are you fucking kidding me? You mean with an on-rails shooter game I'm stuck moving how the game wants me to move like I'm on fucking rails? No shit sherlock! What retard goes into an on-rails shooter thinking they're going to have the freedom to wander wherever the hell they want? This is like saying you're tired of jumping in Mario. This is my shout out to reviewers across the world - STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING ABOUT THE OBVIOUS! Do you need to complain that a PC game can't run on a three year old machine or that a game called Dungeon Twat involves some slut in a maze? No, you review the game for what it does INSIDE of its fucking genre! When's the last time someone complained that they were tired of shooting people in <i>Halo</i>? FUCK THAT! http://www.dorkgasm.com/node/318#comments My Two Cents Thu, 15 Nov 2007 23:34:10 +0000 BranWheatKillah 318 at http://www.dorkgasm.com