Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

Well I believe it's safe to say we're all fucked, fictional characters are coming to life and assimilating with us all, RUN LIKE HELL!

Hey everybody, it's your old pal Haggard Ass J. I know some of you have been wondering (Ken and Mike, but hopefully more, fuck, a dork can dream can't he??) what good ol' HAJ has been up to, well here's the fat and skinny...

I remember well The Days Before Video Games. I remember frolicking along the Snake River, which wasn't actually the Snake River, but such things matter not to little boys. I remember finding different ways to bash myself against the ground at high speed involving tree swings, old Schwinn's, and just leaping into open space. I remember the dark winter night times that began almost as soon as I got off the bus from Pullman to our little old house in Albion. I remember games of push-pull in a field of thistles and nettles on the other side of the creek (or perhaps 'crick' depending on your geographic preference) that ran through our back yard. I remember Cub Scouts, and knot-work, and fire starting, and camping, and staring at the stars while wondering if the one that was moving was a satellite or if the aliens had finally come to take me away.

I remember the brief, distant rumble one morning as everything changed. I remember feeling something like that only once before in my life, when I was at my father's house and a brief tremor had rocked his small California town. The way the knick-knacks on a shelf nearby trembled, and how my stomach felt all funny. Then it had gone, just like it had in the shower that morning on May 18th, 1980. The day started normally, I went outside, played with my friends in the mud and the dirt and the thistles, coming home for lunch at about noon. A few hearty PBnJs later, there was a knock at the door. A mailman had a package for me, and like any youth-abiding lad I tore into it with all the gusto of Bill Gates ripping into an upstart computer company. I took it apart, packaging peanuts flying hither and thither, to uncover the treasure within: An Atari 2600.

So the year kicks off with some seriously cool stuff playing before the movies. Yeah, 2009 sucked balls, and we know it. Let's take a look at Hollywood's first attempt to make up for hosing us last year!

Click below to see trailers and reviews for: The A-Team, Iron Man 2, Kick-Ass, Cop Out, Karate Kid, Knight & Day, Repo Men, The Sorcerer's Apprentice, Clash of the Titans, Robin Hood, Kick-Ass (red-band).

Of course, the buzz this week is on the new Nightmare on Elm Street trailer, but then I saw this, and it got bumped to number two on this weeks list! Check it out!

Click below to watch trailers for A Nightmare on Elm Street, From Paris With Love (from the makers of Taken), and I Love You Phillip Morris

According to the Associated Press, Patrick Swayze has died tonight, September 14, 2009. He was 57.

We all know he's been fighting pancreatic cancer for the last two years, but that didn't really slow him down, did it? Turn on a TV in America at any given time, and you're bound to see Swayze strutting, busting pool cues, or making pottery with Mrs. Kutcher. Heck, he was in a new show on A&E last season called The Beast. The fact is, Patrick Swayze didn't die today, because you can't kill a legend.

He had a career that wasn't ordinary, by a long shot. While most "leading men" start out in their 20's, Swayze didn't make it as a sex symbol til he was in his thirties. In spite of the women in my life all gushing about his turn in Dirty Dancing, I remember him best for kicking Commie ass in Red Dawn, or kicking preppy "soc" ass in The Outsiders. Face it, Swayze kicked a lot of ass!

Road House, Point Break, To Wong Foo... He kicked ass in all of them! That's right, Patrick Swayze could round house kick your ass out of ANY bar in America wearing a dress! Patrick Swayze was the kind of "movie star" who was never a movie star. He was married to the same woman 34 years. That's longer than most of his fans have been alive! It made him untouchable, and the fact that he made such an impression whenever he was on the screen made him unforgettable. THAT makes him a legend, my friends, and that is undeniable.

Click here to see Patrick Swayze's IMDB page

Rob Roy vs The Balrog! HOT!! Okay, it looks better than that, but it could easily turn into the kind of garbage SyFy usually dumps on us, so I'll wait and see...

Click below to see trailers for Surrogates, Alice in Wonderland, and Twilight: New Moon

In the past, every time I’ve thought of a comic book convention, the image that came to mind was always of a bunch of nerds dressed up in costumes. I expected to see at least one Superman, Batman, or Spider-Man. Having been a comic-con virgin, I had only image searches on the internet to go by. Those, of course, are full of the most interesting moments from these conventions: the costumed fans or the actors and artists. I went to Chicago on Sunday, August 9, a little nervous, expecting to find loads of costumes, and hoping to see a few beloved actors from my childhood. Only one part of this stayed the same as I walked into the convention hall.

Well the boys are back, and between this and Inglorious Basterds, there might be enough gratuitous violence to piss off Tipper Gore this year! Click below to see trailers for The Road, Agora, The Men Who Stare at Goats, and Christopher Nolan's kick-ass looking INCEPTION... Check out that last one for sure!