Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

            Regardless of the graphic novel/film being set in the 1980's and the game being set in the 1970's, the one thing that will hit you in the face with a lead pipe from go, is that Watchmen: The End is Nigh (available now for The Playstation Network and on Xbox Live) is definitely not up to modern standards. I could have easily been sold on some mumbo jumbo that this is all some sort of tongue in cheek post modern homage to the great 1980's coin op beat em ups that dominated the era, if the game even came close to mimicking anything that made those games great. Sure its got co-op, (only 2 players) and lots of baddies to punch in the neck, or face, or balls or whatever you feel like punching, but they only come in 3 types, medium, large, and not quite huge (different skins are all that separate the convicts, mercenaries, police etc) and multiple levels and locations (that redefine linear).

            Deciding between the two protagonists comes down to basically choosing your preferred method of vertical movement, and combat. Rorschach shimmies up conveniently placed drain pipes, and beats the piss out of his adversaries with the psychotic finesse of a pro wrestler, while Night Owl uses a grappling hook, and some martial arts styled strikes combined with a little gadgetry to neutralize his opposition. Even in playing solo, your buddy is always around to help you turn valves, open doors, pull switches and wait there doing nothing while you find a way to turn a valve or open a door (usually by pulling a switch). Sadly enough the consistency of all of these actions is pretty solid. I know that last sentence doesn't sound all that bad, but when you look back up there you'll notice (other than the obvious redundancy of the actions) I never mentioned "aid you in combat" or "punch fools in the skull". I did however mention standing around doing nothing, and that's the majority of what you'll see them doing. Its actually laugh out loud funny to here your AI partner (or douchebag, as seems more fitting) call out for help while you're getting your skull kicked in and he watches from the sidelines.

            Needless to say the game fairs much better in co-op, but when its this kind of a bedraggled mess its pretty hard to care. Rest assured if you just give it one run through with a buddy, you won't hate yourself, and you may be mildly entertained for the 3 (give or take) hours it takes to complete. The story is mildly interesting, and some of the finishing moves have a visceral satisfaction and are fun to see the first few times, but they become so recycled by the second hour of the game you just stop caring.

            In the end that's what kills The End is Nigh, far too much repetition to justify its price tag. If you had any sense at all, when the world cries out for you to spend twenty bucks on this game, you should whisper "no"

I give Watchmen: The End is Nigh 1 "you wait here and I'll see if I can open the door" out of 5