Acute Clownus Carrus Uterosis | Villain of the Week

Those who profit from Acute Clownus Carrus Uterosis and the dickhead's that encourage them...
J. Sternberg
Staff Writer

            Ah yes, Clownus Carrus Uterosis, or treating your uterus and vagina like a clown car, is certainly a problem in this country. One that has come to the forefront and headlines with aplomb as of late, due largely in part due to the Octomom. Sure that name makes her sound like Otto Octavius' matriarch from Spider-Man, thus throwing her instantly into the pool of villainy, but she is only part of the part of the problem, and ultimately condemnable for her own actions, she is not the root of the problem.

            You can't walk past a newsstand in this country without seeing her face, or flip through TV guide without seeing more and more of this abuse of the human reproductive system. Jon and Kate plus Eight, 17 Kids and Counting, and the upcoming Table for Twelve are all guilty of this villainy and in my humble opinion (or IMHO, for those of you who speak internet) it needs to be stopped. I have a few major reasons as to why I believe this, and I'd like to share them with y'all if you've got a minute. I don't expect much backlash from the targets of this rant, because they're probably too busy, giving birth, or counting stacks of cash to care what a semi normal human being thinks.

            The first reason is just this simple, the human body was not meant to take abuse like that. Seriously, I know the vaginal walls are quite elastic in nature, but fucking Christ people! There's going off roading, and then theirs treating your car tires like tank treads. I'm not going to take a moral high ground here, but on the record, I just think that shit is just plain gross. If a woman's vaginal region and reproductive areas have been through enough to take a blast from a rocket propelled grenade and not feel a thing, you have to wonder if they've taken it a little far. The same applies in the case of C-sections, if your tummy is starting to look like a road map of pain made out of over cooked bacon, and you can grate cheese on the scar tissue. Let's also not forget that while these people are fucking with the will of whatever god they claim to worship, they're also ignoring the millions of children that are waiting to be adopted. If y'all got "all this love to give" what makes you so certain that you couldn't love a child that wasn't biologically yours. Shit with all the chems and genes you guys throw around you could probably get the damn kid morphed into one of your mutant offspring in no time.

            Secondly and more importantly, this kind of crap should be against child labor laws. These kids are making their parents' fat stacks of cash and being allowed next to no privacy. On top of that, have you seen the parents from these shows? I wouldn't let them watch my gold fish. Whether they're cult level religious fascists raising their own little republic of brainwashed mutants, or just bitter and shitty people (Kate, I'm lookin at you!) they seem to either be thoroughly disconnected from reality, and completely devoid of any love whatsoever for their children. Seeing how much you can cram into a uterus and how much will pop out is not something people should profit from, nor is just being a kid with shitty or camera friendly parents.

            Other than just being useless, this is a slap in the face of every hardworking citizen and or parent out there. Personally, I've only got one child, but if everyone was proportionally provided what these groups of nitwits were given I'd at least have a grip of cash, and all sorts of free crap my kid needed growing up that I actually worked for to provide for her. How much of the actual earning will these kids see? Furthermore, if these kids have to go to college when they grow up and actually earn their keep like normal people, how much resentment do you think there's going to be in this little populace? How is the home schooled daughter of the cult family on 17 Kids and Counting going to cope with her first period? Normally I would assume you'd talk to your mom, but seeing as every menstrual cycle this woman has had since the day she got married has resulted in a pregnancy I would venture to guess she might not really remember what that's like.

            Then last but not least we have the social ramifications, and what these shows say about society, which brings me to the Octomom. Her motivations weren't exactly hard to see after all of these shenanigans and you really can't fault someone for jumping on the bandwagon. Or can you? Did she research this bandwagon? Did she just think she could eek in before the bubble burst on the multiple birth dog and pony show, or was she just looking to make a buck? It doesn't matter, because the octomom single-vaginally exposed quite a bit of ugly truth about America, and the situation just turns my stomach. First off, The Octomom didn't hop on a gravy train with biscuit wheels, she couldn't afford the ticket, and was tossed out on her ass at the front gates. It doesn't take a hard look to see why either. She's black, unemployed, unmarried, lives with her mother, and has a ton of kids already. The only other African American making nearly as many headlines is President Obama. What does that say America? At the core, are the country and media still a little racist? I'd say so. A little stodgy and stuck on religion as a backbone to society instead of law? Sure. Do you think if someone in the same situation of a different race were to give birth to 8 kids at one time, the media would scold her from day one or that anyone would bring up the word welfare? Hardly. Is she a bad person? Fuck yeah, but that doesn't have anything to do with being black, unemployed, single, and living at home, it has to do with making a decision to use her body and her own children to make money, because other people made it look easy. What else does that say about us America? That if one damn fool can make a dollar doing something, a hundred others will try, and ladies and gentlemen taking honest and intelligent people and turning off their reason and logic is the greatest form of villainy of all.

So I'm begging you all stop the madness, if not for me, think...for once in your hatefucking miserable lives, think about the children. Kids are a big deal, but they shouldn't be big business.