Oscar Outrage!!: The Aftermath

Please Note: This is only the opinion of a lone nut living in the Wisconsin wilds. They in no way reflect the thinking of the Dorkgasm staff, editors, contributors, sponsors, or anyone else, humanity-wide. I am my own person, and as such am a big boy. I tell it how I see it, and I would expect your wussies to do the same. Beware the strong, fucking language So, here we go. Another Oscar night in the can, and nothing to show for it. Oh, sure. Heath Ledger got a posthumous Oscar for playing a comic book villian, but anyone who thinks the performance had anything to do with it is either sadly mistaken or stoned out of their fucking gourd. That's a good place to start. In a Best Supporting Actor race consisting of critical darlings like Phillip Seymour Hoffman and mainstream, college frat drunk favorites like Robert Downy, Jr., how on Earth do you expect Heath Ledger to win? The truth is unfortunately simple. He died and sealed the vote. Now, I am just grasping at straws, but don't you think that Academy voters felt just a little bit guilty of not giving him his due props for Ennis Del Mar in Brokeback Mountain? I would think so, and let's face it, you probably do to. Heath Ledger was an exceptional actor, and I openly weep at what could have been. The sky was the limit for him, and now he's gone. That does not mean you have to give him an Oscar, you pricks! Granted, I liked his performance the best out of all of them, but I write for a Dork Culture website! Of course I like The Joker more than that dude that shot Harvey Milk! The fact is that someone else could have done The Joker and it could have been just as good, if not better. I'm not an actor, though. PSH was awesome in Doubt, and Downey was hilarious in Tropic Thunder, but I would have given it to Josh Brolin. The man is awesome in Milk. Don't believe me? Check it out. My next big problem is with Slumdog Millionaire. Did I like it? Sure. "Feel-good movie of the decade"? No, not really. Best Fucking Picture? Cheesus Crust, no!!!! Why did this win? I have a theory, and it runs much the same as the last entry. It got a sympathy vote. Remember months ago when they had those terrorist attacks in India? All I heard was "Attack in Mumbai which was the setting for Slumdog Millionaire. It was shot there, too." Now, it wins Best Picture in a year that had Milk and The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button? Is everyone in the Academy high? FIrst of all, the fact that The Dark Knight didn't even get nominated for Best Pic still pisses me off, but I chock that up to Academy voters not being comfortable with a Batman who sounded like he just walked into the kitchen on To Catch A Predator. What are you doing here, indeed. Shit, Frost/Nixon was one of the most amazing and riveting movies I have seen in a long time. It even made me forget that Ron Howard directed The DaVinci Code, and that's tough going. No, everything else that was better got edged out for a sympathy vote. Bah. Also, no kudos for giving Danny Boyle the Oscar for this and not Sunshine or Trainspotting. Hell even Millions was better than this, and they were almost the same movie! I think the Academy, in all of their intelligence, voted for Boyle because they know deep in their hearts that this may be the last time they see him. Come on, Danny. You got your Oscar. Now give me Trainspotting 2 or 28 Months Later. Please. You owe me for sitting through this. One last note. Penelope Cruz for Vicky Christina Barcelona? Are? You? HIGH?!?!? Come on!! Viola Davis, Amy Adams, Marisa Tomei, and the real winner in my eyes Taraji P. Henson. And you give it to HER? Damn, I need to be in a subpar movie from an actor/director who should have hung up his jodhpurs long ago. Maybe I can get an Oscar I don't deserve! Give her an Oscar for the good work she did. What about Volver? Where were you on that one, Academy? That movie was fresh, funny, and touching, all in one. VCB was lame before it even got out of the gate. Why the horse racing lingo this time? Who knows? Let's keep hoofing it. Woody Allen hasn't made a good movie since Melinda and Melinda, and before that was Celebrity. Past your damn prime! And quit parading Scarlett Johansson around your movies like she can act. You know damn well she can't. You like her tits. Hell, I like her tits too, but I'm not putting her in a movie. You shouldn't either. Well, that's about it for me. I fully expect gobs of hate mail for this one, so please do so to anonymous.jones@dorkgasm.com or leave vitriol below in the Comments. I will read and comment on them as time permits. Thank you, and have a cheerful motherfucking day.