Dear Michael Bay

Dear Mr. Bay

I would like to ask you to please handle your mining of my childhood with a little more tact in the future. The 1980's were good times for me, and I'd really prefer if you handle the Transformers, Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the 13th, with a little more finesse than your average carjacker.
It's really not too complicated, and I'm not asking much, I'd just prefer not see Jason Vorhees jumping over an exploding computer generated shark on a motorcycle, or Freddy Krueger chugging Mountain Dew and shuffling his Ipod while back flipping a Lamborghini over a Best Buy that's burning to the ground from a bunch of Xbox 360's overheating and causing a raging inferno inside.
Its not a list of demands, but a cordial request that you should take to heart. Please? These characters are legends, and have earned a legitimate place in the hearts of myself and so many more that have come of age during the past 20 some odd years. If you do however feel the need to pull a Lucas/Spielberg Eiffel tower style rape of any more 80's icons, they're may be consequences. I have it on good authority that Martin Lawrence and Eddie Murphy are so broke and desperate they would gladly do anything for a nickel, and I'm not above paying a man or two to wear a ridiculous fat suit and lady's clothing to drop by your house and shoot you in the dickpiece.

Respectfully yours

J. Sternberg

Dorkgasm Contributing Writer.

PS: If you remake the Goonies and have Chunk on Adkins, or turn One-Eyed Willy into a snarky robot with Diabetes, I'll personally mail you my next bowel movement.

(please note the opinions above are the opinions of Jay Sternberg and are not intended in any way shape or form to represent the opinions of Dorkgasm LLC, its staff, or management......but they should)