So yeah, Twilight, um, where the fuck do I even begin? Well for starters, I am so not this movie's target demographic, I don't shop at Hot Topic, I don't think Vampz roxxor my soxxors, nor am I 16 with female genitalia. I am however an avid fan of actual vampire fiction, and have seen pretty much every piece bloodsucking, fangbanging, holy water, stake to the heart, and crosses fair I could get my grubby little mitts on. On that note I also feel the need to clarify immediately that this film has way more to do with The Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants, than Bram Stoker's Dracula.
Now that that's out of the way, I'm still finding myself annoyed at my lack of anything to say positively about this abysmal trainwreck of a film. The acting is terrible, the cinematography is an insult to the art and the story is about as interesting as a wet fart on a fresh blanket.
Broad beefs covered, let's get specific. This is the story of Edward, the least attractive gorgeous guy you'll ever meet (really, this guy? a stud, wanted by the entire school???) oh right, sorry hot topic, nm, lol, ZOMG. lol. Fuck it. He's also the most emotionless emo kid and least vampire vampire you will ever contemplate, and Bella a plain Jane who doesn't like being social, but everyone wants her around, and she's always with a group of cool kids who like totally surf and shop and stuff lol lol omg, this character is so obviously a 13 year old outcast girl's fantasy version of herself that you crave Midol when it gets heavy handed. They fall in love (on paper), but cannot be together, for he is the vampire (sort of, but really really not really, more like the perfect counterpart to a thoughtless fantasy of a girl who likes guyliner and unibrows) and she is a mortal.
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Yeah it's been done, it's been done to death, and its been done better in good films, like Near Dark, and The Lost Boys, (recently HBO's series, True Blood ran that line spectacularly and made it fun again) and really bad ones, like last years atrocity Blood and Chocolate, sure that was with werewolves, but its all the same to me. Also like the shit pile I mentioned from last year, Twilight goes that extra mile to remove anything people who see these icons of fright regularly would want to see. Where B&C crammed in parkour and removed blood guts and fun, Twilight crams in surfing, and baseball (WHAT THE FUCK?) and removes all the sex, blood, violence, and anything remotely vampiric about its vampire characters. They fucking walk around in daylight for fucks sake!
Beyond all this, Bella falls for Edward because he's moody, and mysterious, and with no real meat to any of the romance whatsoever the emotional intrigue is all but gone. This could also be linked to the two leads having roughly the chemistry of a brick to the skull. He saves her from getting squashed by a car, he does typical broody antihero stuff (poorly) and swoon, they're in love. Not what I would exactly call romantic or even remotely interesting. Apparently in this school everyone wants to date the person who talks the least, looks the most average and has the personality of a 2x4, and while that may work for those out there who can really really suspend their disbelief, I wasn't convinced.
I like a craptactular movie once in a while (I bought The Lost Boys 2: The Tribe at midnight on Blu Ray when it was released) but this is exactly what a friend of mine would refer to as "the drizzling shits." A vampire movie without vampires (and the debauchery and excess that accompanies them) isn't a vampire movie at all. The dialogue comes across in a realistically immature faction, (it is buried to its neck in the facebook bumper sticker crowd) and that unfortunately is the best thing I can say about this festering turd.
To paraphrase from Billy Madison "[this film] is the dumbest thing I have ever [seen], and at no point did you ever come near covering the subject at hand, I believe we all may be a little less intelligent after witnessing it, I give you no points, and ask that you return to your seat immediately and may god have mercy on your soul"
J "Do yourself a favor and watch anything but this crap" Sternberg
Final Verdict (out of 5):
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