Superhero Movie | My Two Cents

A Sad State of Affairs (or the tazers for prosperity project) By J. Sternberg
            I'm sure by now we've all seen the trailer. Superhero Movie is coming soon to a theater near you. Also in theaters, is Will Ferrell plays a totally obnoxious jackass with a profession of some kind part 180, the sequel's sequel's sequel's sequel's sequel's sequel's sequel, yadda yadda WHAT THE FUCK???? Super Hero Movie, well lets see, its by the same asshats that have pumped out more of the top grossing box office shit bags in the last few years than Britney Spears has ridden random cock. Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans, Date Movie, Scary Movie 3 and 4, and god only knows what other forms of sheer vomit these fools have foisted upon us.             Every single fucking person I know who's seen these movies claims they've been "dragged" by a "friend"... SHUT UP.             If they were really your friend, they'd do everything in their power to stop you from seeing these "movies" that really are about as entertaining as drinking a stillbirth, broken glass, wheat grass, dog vomit, and semen smoothie, or as I've heard it called in more Trendy hotspots, "The Paris" , not drag you along. Just the facts about Super Hero movie should be enough to make anyone who briefly considers seeing the "film" question exactly what size their school bus was, and why they always thought fucking their ear with a screwdriver to make their head jelly come out felt so good. Its the same spoof humor (or extreme lack there of), from the same idiots, that has been in theaters once every 6 months, for the last 3 years. This time, it appears they've cut out the questionable celebrity and plastic hotness of Carmen Electra (WOW I really didn't think that could HURT A MOVIE!!!), cut 3 months out of the waiting period between releases, and have added Drake Bell, the "star" Teen Nick's Drake and Josh.             Now I do have a toddler in the house, and I've seen more than one episode of Drake and Josh. This kid has less talent as an actor than Ron Jeremy's right testicle. Honestly, this kid has the acting chops of those stupid ballsacks you see hanging from the back of pickup trucks. I've heard people question if these flicks can get any worse, and I'm pretty sure they just did.             So here's my proposal. Go to an army surplus store, find a friend with a Bud K catalog, search the web, whatever. Find a stun gun, doesn't matter what kind, and when some one you know even jokingly suggests you see "Dumbass Movie 411189" (you know they'll be at that sequel count before 2010) shock their ass into oblivion. Once they've stopped convulsing, kick them in their genitals until you're one hundred and thirty percent sure they'll never breed. If they already have, find their mutant offspring, strap them to a chair, and clockwork orange their ass until they know that this shit is unacceptable. If you're one hundred and thirty percent sure your "friend" was joking find a newspaper, roll it up, and whack them on the nose while sternly rebuffing them, a loud and straightforward "NO!" should suffice.             If we follow these simple steps, we may be able to prevent the premature pouring of a forty on the sidewalk for our fallen homeboy, the comedy genre. I miss that fool already. I'm J. Sternberg, and that's my 2 cents