Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

He Just Talks that Way
By
Michael C. Riedlinger
Editor-In-Chief

            Samuel L. Jackson and Hayden Christiensen face off in a classic battle of good Vs. Evil with all the acting prowess of an 8th grade drama club. No, I’m not bringing up the last Star Wars movie again, this time they star in a new film called Jumper.

            On the surface, this looks like promising science fiction. A kid learns that he can teleport, runs away from his drunken father’s house, and starts robbing banks. After eight years, he is living on his own in New York and doing well when Paladins, led by a relentless man named Roland (Mr. Jackson, wielding a big, unexplained knife and a fancy looking cattle prod), track him down and try to kill him. The kid, David, does the only thing he can think to: he goes home to see the girl he was too nervous to ask out in high school.

            Wait wait WAIT! You say that sounds more like the plot of a cheesy children’s novel? That’s because it is based on one. The novel, by Stephen Gould, actually seems to have quite a cult following, so what gives? The director, Doug Liman, has a great track record (Bourne Identity), and David S. Goyer has written his share of hits (Blade 1, 2, & 3, Batman: Begins, The Dark Knight), so why is it that this movie is getting slammed by me and other critics?

Click image to visit the site (it's better than the movie)

            Hayden Christensen couldn’t act his way out of a cardboard box, and this movie solidifies that. It’s hard to believe that his character is surprised to discover that he isn’t alone in the world as a Jumper, let alone that there is a centuries long war being waged around him. His girlfriend (Rachel Bilson, The O.C.) has even less personality and together they just don’t have chemistry. Their post coital, blissful walk around Rome may as well have been portrayed by an elderly couple that are cordial to one another, but can’t wait for their spouse to kick off so they can live in peace. Not all of the failure is theirs, however.

            Goyer and the other writers on this one (Simon Kinberg, Mr. & Mrs. Smith & Jim Uhls, Fight Club) got lazy. These three have all written exciting screenplays and know what they are doing, but this time they, pardon the pun, jump around too much. The script seems to be in place only to get to the special effects, and those aren’t even that impressive. Sure, leaving an Italian cop atop the Sphinx looks cool, but they could have used bad CGI and spent the savings on a better cast. What really harms this film, most likely, is that it had thirteen assorted producers handling, and I’m sure, mangling it.

            In the end, the hero save the girl, finds his long lost mother, defeats Sam Jackson without loss of life, and finds out Bruce Willis is a ghost… Okay, scratch that last part. Or don’t, and go rent Sixth Sense again because it is a better film even when you know the ending. Jumper is bad, and as an adaptation of a book, it is probably even worse. Save your eight bucks and spend it on the book instead. It’s cheaper, and probably a hell of a lot better, even if you find it in the “Teen Fiction” section.