Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

Bran is My Meal Ticket By J. Pletz

"Allow me to plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time..."--Bill Hicks "Same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was..."--Talking Heads HEY STUPID---Remember that movie you saw six months ago? "I DO!!! YUK YUK YUK YUK YUK YUK YUK!!!!!!" HEY STUPID---Remember that youtube video from six months ago? "I DO!!! YUK YUK YUK YUK YUK YUK YUK!!!!!!" HEY STUPID---POP CULTURE REFERENCE! "ZOMGWTF!!!111!! YUK YUK YUK YUK YUK YUK YUK YUK!!!!!" HEY STUPID---LOOK! A FAT GUY!!!! "DUUUUUUUUDE!!! THAT GUY IS FAT!!! YUK YUK YUK YUK YUK YUK YUK!!!!!" HEY STUPID---Remember when spoof movies actually had good jokes, clever writing, comedic timing, relevant humor, and didn't have to rely on the attention span deficient idiocy of America to be funny? You know, movies like AIRPLANE!, Kentucky Fried Movie, Amazon Women on the Moon, and Naked Gun? "Duuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh....HUH? I don't get it..." Exactly.             I was recently DRAGGED (yes, against my will) to see Meet the Spartans, and the entire length of the movie I literally felt my brain cells dying. NO, NOT from the weed that I *HAD* to smoke to make it through that cinematic abortion, but from the sheer idiocy of the crowd in the theater that actually WANTED to be there seeing it. As you can probably tell, I have not come here today to praise MTS, but to bury it...

Save your 8 bucks, here's the funniest parts in Reader's Digest form!
            "Written by the guys who saw 300" is prominently displayed in the commercial for this piece of shit, but why? Is it truly "written", or was it merely cobbled together from the hazy recollection of a roomful of 14-year-old kids who have no idea what the word "funny" means? I won't even get into the plot, there quite simply ISN'T one; the entire movie relies on the aforementioned pop culture references and non-sequitur sequences. Does it make sense that in a movie about "The Spartans" that Spiderman shows up, is fired by Donald Trump, and then pulls his wig off? No, of course not, but as long as the references are there, present and accounted for, that's all that really matters. And it doesn't even matter if you don't get the jokes, it will be explained to you... When "Leonidas" goes to see the oracle (Ugly Betty) she says "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World", and just in case you're a MORON (and if you ARE, you probably saw the movie and LOVED IT) Leonidas tells her, "I'm sorry, I don't watch Heroes".             Basically what it boils down to is this---if you've seen ANY other spoof movie from the past 8-10 years, you've already seen this movie as well. There is NOTHING here "new" that already hasn't been covered multiple times before, once a year just like clockwork. The fact that this was number one in the box office last week only means that the jerk-offs responsible are busy getting their "ideas" (and I use the term QUITE LOOSELY) together for their next movie. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that with all the superhero movies coming out this year, it's going to have Iron Man, The Hulk, Batman, Indiana Jones, and probably a few others battling the Cloverfield monster. Perhaps I should beat them to the punch, drop a turd in a manila envelope with a note saying “people that go to movies like this LOVE shit”, and wait for my million dollar check? Excuse me, I have to go eat some bran and get moving on this...             COMING JANUARY 2009---From first time Author/Director J. Pletz, it's "JINGLY KEYS, THE MOVIE"!!! You'll LOL when the jingly keys are shaking on the screen! You'll cheer when they're jingling and the light makes them SHINY! You'll SHIVER in SUSPENSE when the keys are taken off screen, but then you'll cheer even HARDER when they come back and they JINGLE! I'm gonna be fucking rich!!!!