Unearthed

Dr. Tyranid or How I Learned To Love the Bottle and Get Eaten By Aliens By Aaron Bolyard Dorkgasm Staff Writer (My Staff is bigger than Ken’s.)
            Ah, Unearthed. The first film of the 8 Films to Drink During Die For did not disappoint my expectations. Admittedly, I did miss the first 10 minutes or so, but that didn’t matter much as it was just showing how the monster in this film came back to life. Who needs story when people are being slaughtered? Oh, and cows. Lots of dead cows. That’ll teach them to cause global warming with their evil cow farts.1             Anyways, so allow me to take you to a remote city town small collection of farms and houses in Texas. The main character in our little story here is the sheriff, a female sheriff2 to boot! Our poor sheriff has a dire problem of loving the sauce3 though. Apparently, she accidentally shot a little Native American girl and now the guilt haunts her and she needs to drink so she can’t feel feelings.             As our story opens, little Miss Drunkard gets a call about a semi wreck blocking the road and goes to investigate. I imagine we must have missed this accident occurring in the beginning of the film, but I think we all filled in the blanks rather quickly. Some monster was hit by a truck, didn’t die and ate the driver. Wino Sheriff of course notices pieces of the beastie in the grill of the truck and takes some to be analyzed. She finds no sign of the driver. I bet he left behind a family and children…Okay that’s a lie. He probably masturbated alone nightly. Moving along.             Conveniently enough, Wino Sheriff has a Native American friend who studies plants and since everyone knows that plant biology and animal/xeno biology are the same, Miss Doctor says she will do what she can. While all this science is going on though, the beast is still killing more people and cattle!             Things progress in the typical horror movie fashion, more and more people are killed until only a handful are left including Charlie Murphy. Unfortunately, our monster friend liquefies Charlie Murphy’s head. I think I also heard the monster say “I’m Rick James bitch” when it killed him, but maybe it was just me.

            So, through the wonder of science our intrepid band of survivors discovers that this beast hunting them is actually an alien probe sent to collect DNA. I, like you, was stunned at how groundbreaking and original 4 an idea this was. Our clever Native American scientist also manages, by studying the genius chemical formulas that the dead tribe of the Anasasi left behind, the poison to kill the Tyranid alien probe.             More murder and death ensue (including Charlie Murphy), and we’re left with Sheriff Wino, Dr. Indian, and some blonde actress who should’ve died but lived. Sheriff Wino squares off with the alien probe and just as it’s about to attack she injects the poison into herself, forcing the alien to eat a large dose of Anasasi death toxin. They both die in each other’s arms.5             Overall, I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed Unearthed, even though you may not think so by my treatment of it. Look, the plot may have had more holes in it than Swiss cheese, but the film didn’t care. That’s why I enjoyed it as much as I did. It didn’t care enough to over explain its flaws. Unearthed dropped it pants and showed you that it does in fact have three testicles and its balls are above its dick. Therefore, go my children, and purchase this film. How many times in your life will you see something with three balls above a dick?6 1Obviously, this does not refer ONLY to evil cows that fart, but rather implies that all cows are evil and also fart. 2Very edgy don’t you think? I was surprised to learn women could vote! 3Booze, not semen. She does love semen too. I just don’t have the facts to back it up. If there were a pie chart with semen and booze on it though, I think it would be an even split. 4Essentially, “original” means that whoever wrote this script obviously plays the Tyranids in Warhammer 40K. For God’s sake, the monster even LOOKED like a Genestealer. 5Yeah, I lied. Blow me. 6I am not responsible if you don’t actually witness this feat. Maybe you just didn’t do enough drugs in high school.