Fuck you, Alan Tudyk
Michael C. Riedlinger
Transformers 2 was the biggest piece of soulless cinematic crap this side of the centennial divide. The film was poorly written, poorly directed, and all too often “we’ll fix it in post” was used as an excuse for making a film in the same way Ed Wood used to make his “masterpieces”. Now comes word that genre favorite, Alan Tudyk, famed for dying on screen far too often, has signed on for Transformers 3. I guess he looked at it as a way to finally kill his last shred of dignity on film too.
Look, Alan is making the right decision for his career. Even with the second film being a steaming pile, it MADE a steaming pile of cash. Audiences were roped in by the familiarity of the characters and forgot to give a crap that the story had plot holes a mile wide or that they were cheated on the visuals. So what if Prime’s resurrection scene was mostly a close-up shot of a flag waving in the desert wind, they got to see him get up and kick ass. For most of us, it was one of those films we used to imagine as a kid when we played with our toys and beat up younger siblings for running off with Prime’s trailer right before we used it. Our versions of Prime coming back to life (especially after Transformers: The Movie came out) were mostly stuck in our brains too, so we didn’t give a crap about being cheated by Michael Bay. Instead we saw the film twice, because 2009 was one of the shittiest years ever for movies.
Now replace the words of the Winnie the Pooh song with "Shia LeBouf"...
You can hate me later for it
That’s exactly what Alan Tudyk is giving a crap about right now. He knows he’s died a thousand times, and that he isn’t likely to break out of his place in Hollywood. They’ll always need that likeable character actor that everyone recognizes as the likeable sidekick because it makes audiences gasp in surprise when he is killed off… again. If I were Alan, I’d probably take the money and run too, but all too often, we idealize these actors based on the characters they’ve played. Alan Tudyk is no different than any of us. He wants to pay his bills and buy cool shit, and in order to do that, he can’t scoff at Bay’s money just because we think it’s beneath him or that the film he’s making will likely be on par with Robot Jox
, but with recognizable iconography.
Still, I’ve judged him. I’m bummed that Tudyk has signed on and drank the Michael Bay Kool-Aid. But that drink is green and more intoxicating than my petty flights of fancy about artistic integrity. The fact is, Alan has very little to worry about except maybe paying higher taxes. After all, look at Forest Whitaker. He played a role in Battlefield Earth
on of the worst films, sci-fi or otherwise, to be released to the public. That was in 2000, and six years later he won Best Actor for his role in Last King of Scotland
. Integrity be damned, the man was able to collect a paycheck and still pull off an amazing performance in a dramatic role later on. Hell, Forest is even in the new remake of Oliver Hirschbiegel’s 2001 classic, Das Experiment
… Wait. What? Oh man, fuck you too Forest Whitaker!