Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

Anyone who has played EVE Online has learned one simple truth: cargo ships look like gigantic flying penises.

This was one of my greatest infantile pleasures of the game. I loved playing a cargo hauler, ploughing the great expanses of space, plunging my lasers into hot little asteroids and then spewing profit all over the face of my corporation. I know, childish, but still, it made me giggle, as did the never ending quest for the next greatest phallus-related name after my cargo ship inevitably got blown up by quick and scary raiders. It's a terrific game, but the roleplayer deep within me greatly yearned to get out of that damn ship and go hang out in a space station drinking Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters with some of those hot avatars that they have at character generation.

"Hey ladies," I'd say, as I swished the fog-producing blue liquid in the fat bottomed pyroxeres glass, "what brings you to a seedy backwater system like this?"

"We're raiders," they'd return, with a greedy and hungry look in their eyes, "and we're looking to cash out on The Schelestial Schlong which has been spotted in the area."

"Oh really, that's my sh..." BZZZAAPP! And they'd fry my face off, take my wallet, keys, drink, and be off in my ship before my clone could be awakened sixteen systems away. But that's just my own fantasy, because I couldn't get out of my ship. I could only be raided within the confines of my multi-million dollar coffin.

I could fly past the gorgeous worlds, with the incredible vistas (really, the views as you're plying your star-trade are just intoxicating), watch asteroid belts glitter in the dark as I raced past, see a distant blip become a space station as I approached, and be dazzled by the exhaust trails of other ships as they sped to or from the station. I could do all of these things, but I couldn't get out of my ship. This was perhaps the biggest reason I left EVE online.

http://mac.softpedia.com/screenshots/9-2969_2.jpg
http://mac.softpedia.com/screenshots/9-2969_1.jpg

And now they're fixing it. Enter the game known as Dust 514. Dust 514 (I have no idea what that name means) is a console game for Xbox360 and PS3 which allows players to delve into on-world conflict in the universe of EVE. The screen shots I have seen are absolutely stunning, but I have yet to preview any of the in-game action shots.

http://www.dust514-fan.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/DUST514_WB_Comma...
http://www.dust514-fan.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/DUST514_WB_MCCSt...

For those of you who are unfamiliar with MMOs, they are computer (non console) games. Dust 514 will be the first game to bridge that gap. EVE Online will stick to computer systems, but Dust 514 will allow console players to become involved in the universe and conceivably impact the rest of the universe through planetary victories. It appears that this first console based MMO will incorporate both First Person Shooter qualities (you are a marine with a high tech rifle and assortment of other death-dealing items) as well as a Real Time Strategy game. I imagine the RTS qualities will be produced somewhat like EVE, with some players taking command positions and pouring over statistical overviews of large-scale combat. The command position has been confirmed for Dust 514, but there are no screenshots available.

These two games, Dust and EVE, will impact each other greatly. If a turf war is won in Dust, the strategic points of the empires in EVE are immediately updated. EVE players will be able to delegate missions to Dust players in order to cooperate on strategic takeovers in the EVE universe. Unfortunately there is (currently) no way for EVE players to spectate on the land battles, but hopefully CCP will make an update to allow voyeur cams. The taking of planetary sectors will allow an EVE player to, if they control most of the planet, own that entire planet. Additionally, if the player owns most of the planets in a system, they will gain control of the entire system as a ruler. CCP has not yet announced what the perks of owning systems will be, but it doesn't take much imagination to realize that this adds a whole new level of conflict to the game.

CCP has already confirmed the use of vehicular combat, both land and air based, in addition to hoofing it in your high-tech combat armor across a blasted battlefield. They haven't verified how long we're going to have to wait for Dust 514 to be fully released, but I, for one, am already slavering at the possibilities. I believe it's about time for me to dust off (har har) my old EVE account, make sure the Divine Dildonic Diplomat is still serviceable, and get cracking on those skill-points and ISK so I can be a major mover and shaker, or at least a minor annoyance, once this amazing game premiers. Until then, I leave you with this teaser from GC 2009: