Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

Hey everybody, it's your old pal Haggard Ass J. I know some of you have been wondering (Ken and Mike, but hopefully more, fuck, a dork can dream can't he??) what good ol' HAJ has been up to, well here's the fat and skinny...

FUCKING CHRIST THAT WAS AWFUL!!!!


          Ahem... Now that that's out of the way, let's get down to bidness... Never in my life have I witnessed an epic fail like Krod Macfuckity fucknugget and fucknuggetry of idiot land. Its a shame really, with World of Warcraft having over 11 million players, the relatively recent success of all manners of fantasy film, and general dork acceptance at an all time high, the time was perfect for the lampooning of all things epic.

            Showtime has an incredible knack for offing their original series regardless of the fan base. All too often, this also occurs with a season finale ending in a cliffhanger (or several) becoming a series' finale and leaving a load of unanswered questions. Dead Like Me (2003-2005) had two stellar seasons and ended with a barn burner. Seeing that the series would make a comeback in the form of a feature length DVD movie, I chomped at the bit to see what was up with my favorite characters and exactly how those annoying little loose ends were going to get tied up. I had high hopes, for if nothing else, I'd get one more chance to go reaping with George, Mason, Rube, Roxy and Daisy. What I got, was nothing of the sort.

            I didn't really know what to expect when I began to watch 2007's Hot Rod, starring Andy Samberg and the always adorable Isla Fisher. A comedy about an amateur stuntman, his crew, starring a someone from SNL and produced by Will Ferrell really had all the potential in the world to hit a wall and go up in smoke. Within five minutes from the opening credit, I knew what to expect.

            Regardless of the graphic novel/film being set in the 1980's and the game being set in the 1970's, the one thing that will hit you in the face with a lead pipe from go, is that Watchmen: The End is Nigh (available now for The Playstation Network and on Xbox Live) is definitely not up to modern standards.

            Ah yes, Clownus Carrus Uterosis, or treating your uterus and vagina like a clown car, is certainly a problem in this country. One that has come to the forefront and headlines with aplomb as of late, due largely in part due to the Octomom. Sure that name makes her sound like Otto Octavius' matriarch from Spider-Man, thus throwing her instantly into the pool of villainy, but she is only part of the part of the problem, and ultimately condemnable for her own actions, she is not the root of the problem.

            I'm usually not a fan of the character exploration drama. Let's face it, all too often these films are about someone who could be just like you, rising or falling based on their actions, or lack there of. I feel like I've worn that hat a thousand times, and yeah, its old, not too mention I see people like me who will rise or fall based on their actions every day. I guess I'm just not a people person. Knowing all of this, I still dove off the top headfirst into The Wrestler. I gave it a shot, call it a high risk move if you will, but I'll always give Mickey Rourke, Darren Aronofsky and Marisa Tomei a chance, they don't really fuck up that often. Being huge wrestling fan to boot, it seemed like this could be the film that may sway me on this particular sub-genre. It didn't, but I'd blame that on being stuck in my ways. Besides, this is a film review, not a genre study, and the movie was excellent nonetheless.

            Okay kids, lets get our imagination hats on. Alright, picture the 2000's version of Moulin Rouge as a woman, you got it? Cool, Now picture Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd as a man (not the characters themselves, but put a face on the film, oh and for the hell of it, give it a hot body) got that? Great! Now picture them fucking like mad, and Moulin Rouge forgets her pill, and becomes pregnant. Oh no! What do Rouge and Todd do? Its simply really, get an abortion. They both go their merry way as this abortion has torn them apart, but that is not the end of the story. No! The fetus somehow survived and was raised by Robocop (the original X rated cut). That half aborted bastard, would be 2008's Repo! The Genetic Opera.

Dear Mr. Bay

I would like to ask you to please handle your mining of my childhood with a little more tact in the future. The 1980's were good times for me, and I'd really prefer if you handle the Transformers, Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the 13th, with a little more finesse than your average carjacker.

I'm just going to go ahead and throw it out there, I'd already heard a lot of negative things about this movie before I even bought my ticket, and I dismissed them, thinking I knew better than those who had warned me. Before I got to the theater I heard that it was garbage, it was awful, worst movie ever, blah blah blah blah. Well my friends, I didn't expect to see The Godfather, I expected to shut my brain off, see some blood and guts, and their great horror movie brethren tits and ass, IN 3 FUCKING D!